SMOKE SIGNALS

A PLAY BY SIMON CROWCROFT

SMOKE SIGNALS was first performed at The Jersey Arts Centre, St Helier, Jersey, on Thursday 22nd July 1999 with the following cast:

BONFIGLIOLI Bob Barnett

GAVIN Gavin Standen

CAROLYN Julie Park

HELENA Frances Whittaker

PHILIP Jim Bennett

TONY Stefan Gough

ALAN Paul Baker

The play was directed by Simon Crowcroft.
Act One: scene one

THE INTERIOR OF BONFIGLIOLI’S BOOKSHOP. ENTRANCE FROM STREET STAGE LEFT, NEXT TO DOOR WIRE BASKET OF PAPERBACKS, THEN WINDOW TO STREET. REAR WALL SHELVED WITH BOOKS WITH SET OF LIBRARY STEPS. UP CENTRE A LOW SHELF AT RIGHT ANGLES TO REAR SHELF. TO RIGHT THE ENTRANCE TO STOCK ROOM. UP RIGHT A DESK WITH TELEPHONE, BOOKS AND PAPERS, A CHAIR BEHIND THE DESK AND LITTER BIN. MORE SHELVES STAGE RIGHT AND DOWN RIGHT A CHAISE LONGUE.

SUNLIGHT ENTERING SHOP FROM STREET. CAROLYN ENTERS FOLLOWED BY PHILIP, THE LATTER IN CLERICAL COLLAR UNDER CASUAL SUIT, BRIEFCASE IN HAND.

PHILIP I told you he wasn’t in here. You could see that perfectly well from the street.

CAROLYN (Crossing right to check behind shelf) He sometimes ... Oh. (Goes to stock room doorway) Gavin? He must have popped out for something.

PHILIP Well that isn’t very responsible, leaving the shop untended. Let’s go, shall we?

CAROLYN Can’t we give him a minute?

PHILIP I’d rather press on.

CAROLYN I’ll leave him a note.

SHE FINDS A PIECE OF PAPER ON THE DESK AND WRITES. PHILIP INSPECTS A BOOK FROM THE SHELF.

I thought you wanted to see Mr Bonfiglioli.

PHILIP It’s nothing that won’t wait.

PAUSE

Is that a note or a epistle?

CAROLYN Nearly finished.

PHILIP I’ll be popping back later to see Bon. Do you want me to give that to him?

CAROLYN It’s all right. He’s bound to find it here.

SHE FOLDS THE PAPER CAREFULLY AND PUTS IT ON THE DESK.

PHILIP Inviting him to the meeting?

CAROLYN Yes.

PHILIP (Disapproving) Hmm.

CAROLYN What’s the matter? He said he enjoyed the last one.

PHILIP He played the fool.

CAROLYN Dad, I’m sure that -

PHILIP - Yes?

CAROLYN Deep down.

PHILIP He hasn’t been deep down.

CAROLYN I think he’s quite close to the kingdom.

PHILIP Carolyn.

CAROLYN How do you know? Just because he messes around a bit.

PHILIP That’s not the point.

CAROLYN Does everyone have to be suicidal for Jesus to take an interest in them?

PHILIP Not suicidal.

CAROLYN What then?

PHILIP Broken.

CAROLYN How do you know he isn’t?

PHILIP How do you know he is?

CAROLYN We talk.

PHILIP He strikes me as a young man without a great deal of seriousness. I’d be surprised if he was serious about anything.

CAROLYN He takes books very seriously. He respects them.

PHILIP Not all I hope.

CAROLYN What do you mean?

PHILIP (Picking up a paperback and eyeing it with distaste) Books hardly command our respect willy-nilly. Some of these can only be described as pernicious.

CAROLYN I don’t think Gavin would agree with you. He says there’s good in everything if only you look hard enough.

PHILIP That proves my point. It’s because he doesn’t look hard at anything he thinks everything’s good. How much good has he found in Hitler, I wonder.

CAROLYN There’re some really sensible bits in Mein Kampf.

PHILIP How do you know?

CAROLYN I’ve read it.

PHILIP What?

CAROLYN Gavin lent it to me.

PHILIP I suppose he’s lent you the communist party manifesto too.

CAROLYN I couldn’t get into it.

PHILIP This is very worrying.

CAROLYN Why?

PHILIP Some books are dangerous.

CAROLYN Dangerous!

PHILIP Yes.

CAROLYN You have to know what the unconverted believe, don’t you?

PHILIP Not necessarily.

CAROLYN Gavin thinks I should be able to argue my faith.

PHILIP One cannot take hold of God’s mercy with the intellect.

CAROLYN No, but -

PHILIP - and a lot of modern books can draw the child of God away from the truth. There was a fellow at theological college who went quite off the rails after reading DH Lawrence. If you must read novels, stick to Jeffrey Archer’s, that’s what I say.

CAROLYN I think even Gavin would be hard put to find any good in those.

PHILIP Well, you know what I think.

CAROLYN No.

PHILIP You do.

SHE SHAKES HER HEAD. PHILIP NODS, CROSSES TO DESK AND PULLS OUT CHAIR.

Stand on here.

CAROLYN Dad!

PHILIP Come on.

CAROLYN You’ve shown me before.

PAUSE. CAROLYN RELUCTANTLY CLIMBS UP.

What’ll Gavin think if he comes in?

PHILIP Gavin, Gavin, I am Gavin! (He takes her hand). Now, pull me into the kingdom!

HE TUGS HER OFF THE CHAIR.

CAROLYN (Unhappily) Dad.

PHILIP You see what I mean.

CAROLYN I really like him.

PHILIP Ah.

CAROLYN I won’t do anything silly.

PHILIP Oh, I’m sure you wouldn’t. That’s not the point.

CAROLYN What is?

PHILIP Is it God’s will, do you think, that you have this attachment to a non Christian?

CAROLYN I don’t know.

PHILIP You must seek guidance, Carolyn.

CAROLYN All right.

PHILIP In the meantime - (He looks towards the desk)

CAROLYN What?

PHILIP We don’t want to pre-empt the will of God, do we?

CAROLYN No.

SHE GOES TO DESK, SCREWS UP THE NOTE AND THROWS IT IN THE BIN. PHILIP SMILES AND OPENS THE DOOR FOR HER. THEY GO OUT. SHORT PAUSE. GAVIN LOOKS OUT OF STOCK ROOM, CHECKS THE COAST IS CLEAR AND COMES OUT SMILING AND SHAKING HIS HEAD. HE RETRIEVES THE NOTE FROM THE BIN, SMOOTHES IT OUT ON DESK AND READS.

GAVIN Jesus Christ!

HE SCREWS UP THE NOTE AND THROWS IT BACK. SMILING, CROSSES TO WINDOW, TAKES A PIPE OUT OF POCKET, LIGHTS IT AND PUFFS FOR A MINUTE. CATCHING SIGHT OF SOMEONE OUTSIDE HE LOOKS ROUND WITH A SMILE. HE GOES TO WIRE BASKET, GRABS A FEW PAPERBACKS AND CROSSING RIGHT, PLUCKS ANOTHER FROM SHELF. HE HIDES BEHIND LOW SHELF UP CENTRE. TONY ENTERS AND SEEING NO ONE IN SHOP TURNS TO LOOK OUT OF WINDOW. GAVIN THROWS A BOOK AT HIM AND DUCKS. UNSMILING, TONY STOOPS TO PICK IT UP AND RECEIVES ANOTHER MISSILE ON BACK OF NECK. HE CHECKS THE STREET, DRAWS A GUN FROM HIS POCKET AND CROSSES LOW TO THE SHELF. GAVIN TAKES A BOOK AND RISES SLOWLY. TONY LEAPS UP, GUN IN BOTH HANDS.

TONY Bang!

GAVIN Nyah! Christ, Tony!

TONY SMIRKS

Christ, you scared me!

TONY Good.

GAVIN That looks pretty authentic.

TONY It’s genuine.

GAVIN No!

PAUSE

TONY (Putting the gun away) No.

GAVIN No?

TONY No, it’s just a toy.

GAVIN What do you want to carry it around for?

TONY I don’t.

GAVIN No one’d mug you.

TONY I don’t carry it around. I’m ...

GAVIN SMILES

It’s a present.

GAVIN SMILES

So there’s no need to tell everyone about it, okay?

GAVIN Sure.

TONY I don’t want the whole town knowing.

GAVIN I thought you said it wasn’t genuine.

TONY You’re such a tit.

GAVIN SMILES AND COLLECTS THE MISSILES, REPLACING THEM. TONY GOES TO DESK AND PICKS UP AN OPEN BOOK.

You reading this?

GAVIN What?

TONY Henry Miller.

GAVIN Yes.

TONY The Rosy Crucifixion. Bloody hell. What’s it about? God?

GAVIN No. Sex.

TONY I might’ve guessed.

HE SITS IN THE CHAIR AND CROSSES HIS LEGS

GAVIN Want to borrow it?

TONY SHAKES HIS HEAD, READING

You don’t have to buy it. I trust you.

TONY (Reading) Thanks.

GAVIN It’s a first edition. Worth a few bob.

TONY How much?

GAVIN Thirty quid.

TONY That much? What happens if it gets damaged?

GAVIN You mean stained? I can probably find you a paperback copy.

TONY PUTS IT ON THE DESK AND WATCHES SCORNFULLY AS GAVIN MOVES AROUND THE SHELVES TIDYING THE BOOKS

TONY What a doss!

GAVIN Sour grapes, Tony.

TONY Call this a job?

GAVIN Yep.

TONY I’d die of boredom, cooped up in here.

GAVIN You read, don’t you?

TONY Course I read.

GAVIN That passes the time. And I meet some interesting people.

TONY You never could discriminate.

GAVIN (Sarcastic) I know.

TONY Real people don’t come in here.

GAVIN Excluding yourself.

TONY I don’t mean us.

GAVIN Oh. So I’m real.

TONY Just about.

GAVIN I’m honoured. Real? Thank you very much, Tony.

TONY (Scowling) Twat.

GAVIN A real twat?

TONY It’s working here with that drunk.

GAVIN Bon isn’t just a drunk.

TONY Why do you call him that?

GAVIN What, Bon? Why not?

TONY It makes him sound good.

GAVIN Clever! All your French flooding back, is it? I think he’s good.

TONY Oh do you?

GAVIN Yes.

TONY Why?

GAVIN I don’t know. Lot’s of things about him. Which is strange because he embarasses me to death at times. I get drunken phone calls in the middle of the night, summoning me to wild parties. Or it’s his hosts who ring me up because he’s fallen asleep in their master bedroom, or thrown up in the kitchen sink, and I have to take him away.

TONY I know what he’s like. You would think all this is good.

GAVIN I think he is. Good. Yes.

TONY Well, you’re bound to say that aren’t you.

GAVIN Why?

TONY He’s been good to you, recently, hasn’t he?

PAUSE

GAVIN How do you know?

TONY That new car. You couldn’t have bought it, not on your salary.

GAVIN No.

TONY Bonfiglioli?

GAVIN NODS

Why?

GAVIN It’s a secret.

TONY Don’t trust me, eh?

GAVIN It’s not that.

TONY Your oldest friend.

GAVIN I know.

PAUSE

It was a reward.

TONY For what?

GAVIN I stood in for Bon at an auction a month ago. He was ... still plastered in the morning. I bought a job lot, three tea chests, garbage mostly, but at the bottom of one of them we found Burton’s Anatomy of Melancholy. 1795. Three volumes.

TONY How much?

GAVIN Twenty thousand.

TONY Bloody hell.

GAVIN So he bought me a new car.

TONY What did he do with the rest?

GAVIN He hasn’t spent it yet.

TONY So what’s he do, keep it under his mattress?

GAVIN (Gesturing towards the stockroom) No, it’s in there. It’s a terrible temptation.

TONY Yes, I’m surprised he trusts you.

GAVIN Oh, he trusts me.

TONY What makes you so sure?

GAVIN I guess it goes back to our first meeting, when I came in to apply for the job. He asked me to sit down over there, which I did, and then he clapped his hands and said I could have the job. Don’t you want to know anything about me first? I ask. No, he says. The way a man sits down tells me all I need to know about him. It turned out that because I happened to have sat down with my legs apart and not crossed, I was obviously to be trusted. Men who cover their balls have got something to hide, he said. His very words!

TONY (Uncrossing his legs) Sounds a pretty stupid test of character to me.

GAVIN He’s got a terrific sense of humour.

TONY I doubt if he’d still have it if he came back and found you pelting the customers with books.

GAVIN I choose my ammo very carefully. The paperbacks don’t count, and there’s not much of a market for old Bibles and liturgies.

TONY What about the priest who comes in, or is he into porn too?

GAVIN Witchcraft.

TONY And his daughter?

GAVIN Carolyn gets all her reading matter down at the Christian bookshop. You know, the latest Cliff Richard.

TONY Still a virgin is she?

GAVIN As far as I know.

TONY I wouldn’t put any money on her keeping it much longer with you around.

GAVIN Oh, I would.

TONY Why?

GAVIN God may intervene.

TONY What?

GAVIN She was in here with her Dad. I eavesdropped.

TONY And?

GAVIN He’s persuaded her to pick up the phone and have a chat about me, you know, with him upstairs.

TONY Bloody hell.

GAVIN Find out if I’m credit worthy.

TONY She’s get the thumbs up, all right.

GAVIN I hope she doesn’t.

TONY Why not? She’s not after your soul. She’s after your body.

GAVIN Think so?

TONY Come on!

GAVIN Oh.

TONY You’ll probably have her in here, on the sofa.

GAVIN It’s a chaise longue.

TONY Chaise longue, beg your pardon. Or standing up against the shelves. Would you like it?

GAVIN Not much.

TONY Come on, it’s one of your fantasies. Admit it.

GAVIN It isn’t. Anyway, I’d want to start tidying the shelves.

TONY Carolyn wouldn’t mind, so long as it didn’t put you off your stroke.

GAVIN (Disgusted) For Christ’s sake, Tony!

PAUSE

TONY How about some coffee?

GAVIN Oh, all right.

GAVIN GOES TO THE STOCK ROOM DOORWAY.

TONY Two sugars.

GAVIN I know.

GAVIN GOES OUT. TONY GETS UP AND GLANCES INTO DOORWAY. THEN HE GOES TO A SHELF, PULLS A BOOK OUT, OPENS IT AND TEARS A PAGE OUT OF THE MIDDLE, SCREWING UP THE PAGE AND PUTTING IT IN HIS POCKET. HE REPLACES THE BOOK, GOES TO ANOTHER SHELF AND REPEATS THE EXERCISE. PHILIP ENTERS FROM THE STREET

PHILIP Ah, I’m looking for Bon.

TONY IGNORES HIM

Excuse me.

TONY LOOKS AT HIM

I’m looking for the proprietor.

TONY Have you looked in the gutter?

PHILIP I beg your pardon?

TONY Try the park.

PHILIP The park?

TONY Benches.

PAUSE. GAVIN RETURNS.

GAVIN Had to dig out the sugar. Oh, hello.

PHILIP Good morning, Gavin. Actually, it’s Bon I wanted to see.

GAVIN He’s at a wedding.

PHILIP Ah.

GAVIN His daughter’s.

PHILIP I didn’t know he had a family.

GAVIN Yes, well, he must do.

PHILIP I wonder why he’s never mentioned it to me before.

GAVIN Was it anything in particular you wanted?

PHILIP Actually, I’ve got a complaint to make.

GAVIN A complaint?

PHILIP Yes.

GAVIN About anyone in particular?

PHILIP No. It’s about a book. Books.

GAVIN Our books?

PHILIP Yes.

GAVIN Well, you can either tell me about it, or leave them.

PHILIP Perhaps you could tell Bon I brought these back and would appreciate a refund.

HE TAKES TWO BOOKS FROM HIS CASE. TONY WATCHES.

GAVIN What’s the problem?

PHILIP Well, it’s not his fault really. Can’t expect Bon to check every book he buys, can we? It’s just that they’ve both got pages missing.

GAVIN So you don’t know whodunnit.

PHILIP No, not at the end, that’s what’s odd. This one I bought last year, read it at Christmas. A page torn out right in the middle. No difficulty really, wasn’t hard to bridge the gap. Then this one I got last month; I think you sold it to me.

GAVIN Oh, yes. Sackbutt’s sermons. It’s a lovely copy.

PHILIP Absolutely. And last night, would you believe it, I find a page, a single page mind you, torn out of the middle. Rather an important bit, mind you, more’s the pity. Sackbutt’s just getting his teeth into the Antinomians.

HE HANDS THE BOOKS TO GAVIN WHO INSPECTS THEM

GAVIN Well, that is curious. I’ll ask Bon about it. He may remember where they came from. He’s got a terrific head for that sort of thing.

PHILIP What sort of chap would do that to his books before he sells them?

GAVIN (Going to the desk) Search me.

PHILIP (To Tony) What do you think?

TONY Who, me?

PHILIP Mm. Any theories?

TONY SHAKES HIS HEAD

Didn’t I see you in Church last week?

GAVIN Tony! In church?

PHILIP It was you, wasn’t it. You were sitting near the back.

TONY (Shrugs) I had an hour to kill.

GAVIN Closet Christian! I don’t believe it.

TONY It was somewhere to sit down.

GAVIN LAUGHS

PHILIP Why not? Feel free to come in any time.

GAVIN Here’s your refund, Reverend, and I’m sorry about the Antinomians.

PHILIP I’m sure there’s a perfectly simple explanation. Give my regards to Bon, won’t you.

GAVIN Yes, right.

PHILIP Oh, and Gavin -

GAVIN Yes?

PHILIP It doesn’t matter.

PHILIP GOES OUT

GAVIN This could be serious.

TONY Yes.

GAVIN How the hell do we protect ourselves against that? Read the damn things from cover to cover before we buy them? But Bon buys books in their hundreds!

TONY The ripping out could slow down the ripping off.

GAVIN This is no joking matter, Tony. I know I don’t always show the proper respect for the merchandise, but this is beyond the pale. The only comfort is that most of our customers don’t ever read the books. If you’re just collecting pretty bindings or first editions, you won’t miss a page or two here and there.

PAUSE

I tell you what?

TONY What?

GAVIN I reckon it’s a customer who’s doing it, I mean, one of our regulars.

TONY Why?

GAVIN It’s the only possible explanation.

HE GOES TO THE DESK

This book, the valuable one, Bon only bought last month. I remember now, a convent went bust, or whatever convents do, and we bought the library. See the bookplate?

TONY Why would one of your booklovers do that?

GAVIN I don’t know. Why do people do a lot of things?

TONY There’re usually reasons.

GAVIN Oh yes? When I was thirteen I met a weedy guy in spex who showed me how to strip putty out of windows.

TONY And various other things, Gavin.

GAVIN How to smash street lights with a catapault.

TONY That too.

GAVIN Did our little acts of vandalism have reasons?

TONY I had my reasons. I don’t expect you did.

GAVIN Kicks, I suppose.

TONY Kicks! Is that what you think?

GAVIN SHRUGS

Do you think people smash things up for kicks?

GAVIN Why not? I used to love it down at the tip, hurling bricks through tv screens. It was great.

TONY You’ve never grown up, have you. You don’t think.

GAVIN SMILES, TIDYING THE DESK. TONY GOES TO THE WINDOW.

I was away last week. In the country. I met some people, you’d think they were crazy. Along one stretch of road I came across a line of saplings all broken in half, and recently too, the sap was still oozing from the breaks. I crossed over and it was the same on the other side. Well, I caught up with the guy around the next bend. He was so completely absorbed in what he was doing that he didn’t see me until he turned around after a bit to cross over and come down the other side. I went up to him and asked him why he was doing it. Cause I feel like it, he replies. You can do better than that, say I, and as I probe away it emerges that it is an act of protest, Gavin, not kicks. His expression of contempt for the rich manb with his avenue of limes or poplars, or whatever they were.

GAVIN Good for him.

TONY He didn’t have a job, of course, trained for years, but no work for him to do. No work, no pride, no money. Dispossessed.

GAVIN So what did you do? Gave him your blessing as a Communist? Keep up the good work, comrade.

TONY I told him that the trees weren’t the enemy.

GAVIN CHUCKLES

Put fear into the hearts of the wealthy, I said to him. Then they’ll be too frightened to enjoy themselves. Rap on their windows in the dead of night, steal from their gardens, frighten their kids, make obscene phone calls. Enjoy your position of strength. If you have nothing, then you have nothing to lose, nothing to fear.

GAVIN You told him that?

TONY No, I’m having you on.

GAVIN Good. But he was breaking the trees, this guy?

TONY No, it was an example, Gavin. I was trying to make a point.

GAVIN SHRUGS, GRINNING

You’re such a tit.

GAVIN But you keep on coming in to see me, don’t you.

TONY SCOWLS AND LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW. GAVIN LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.

Come on, it’s nearly my lunch hour. I’ll buy you a sandwich.

TONY All right.

GAVIN Doing a brisk trade over the way as usual.

TONY Yes.

GAVIN I did a survey the other day, stood here counting customers for an hour. Videos twenty-seven, booze thirteen, books nil. I told Bon he’s in the wrong business.

TONY He’s doing all right by the sound of things.

GAVIN Yes, anyway, he couldn’t run an off licence. He’d drink all the stock.

THEY GO OUT TO STREET. LIGHTS DOWN.

Act One: scene two

LIGHTS UP. BONFIGLIOLI WRITING AT THE DESK, A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AND A GLASS BESIDE HIM. HE DRAINS HIS GLASS THEN STANDS UNSTEADILY TO ADDRESS AN AUDIENCE.

BONFIGLIOLI Unaccustomed as I am to public spanking. Whoops, that’ll never do. (He refills his glass). Unaccustomed as I am to pubic speaking - (Falsetto) Hello, everybody! Oh dear. (Drinks) Well, priests always start with a little joke, don’t they? Mmm. Did you hear the one about the angel who thought he was a dog? (Drinks) No? Harp, harp, harp! (Sententious) And do you know, life’s a little like that. So nice of you all to come to my daughter’s nuptials in the teeth of this rain and the appalling divorce statistics. And so many of you! So kind, so good. It really is the happiest day of my life.

HE DRAINS THE GLASS THEN STAGGERS INTO THE STOCK ROOM. CAROLYN ENTERS.

CAROLYN Hello?

SHE SITS DISPIRITEDLY ON THE DESK. PAUSE. THERE IS A CRASH FROM THE STOCK ROOM, GLASS BREAKING. SHE GOES TO DOORWAY.

Gavin?

BONFIGLIOLI (From within, very drunk) Gavin’s gone out.

CAROLYN Oh, thank you.

BONFIGLIOLI He’ll be back later. Ow!

CAROLYN Are you all right?

BONFIGLIOLI APPEARS IN DOORWAY, SWAYING, HIS RIGHT HAND BLEEDING

BONFIGLIOLI Confounded waste of good liquor.

CAROLYN You’ve cut your hand!

BONFIGLIOLI Indeed I have. Ruined a Turkish dictionary too.

CAROLYN Let me see. (Goes to him) Oh, it’s deep.

BONFIGLIOLI I’ll live.

HE STAGGERS, STEADYING HIMSELF ON DESK. CAROLYN TAKES HIS ARM AND LEADS HIM TO CHAISE LONGUE

CAROLYN Come on over here and sit down.

BONFIGLIOLI Thank you. You are a good considerate woman.

CAROLYN I don’t suppose you’ve got a first aid kit.

BONFIGLIOLI I fancy the champers will have cleansed the wound.

CAROLYN (Producing a handkerchief) Here. Press this on the cut. It’ll stop the bleeding. Don’t worry, it’s perfectly clean.

BONFIGLIOLI It’s only your garment I was concerned about. Will all this life blood wash out, do you think?

CAROLYN I’m sure it will.

BONFIGLIOLI I’ve been at a wedding, you know.

CAROLYN That explains it. Now promise you’ll get that seen to straight away.

BONFIGLIOLI My daughter’s wedding.

CAROLYN Really!

BONFIGLIOLI Have no fear. I drank nowt save the toasts till she was dispatched under a shower of confetti and rude blessings.

CAROLYN Is that too tight?

BONFIGLIOLI I shall miss her sorely. But he’s a good man.

CAROLYN That’s nice.

BONFIGLIOLI He’ll treat her well, and in due course -

CAROLYN Yes?

BONFIGLIOLI The pitter-patter of tiny feet as the books are pulled off grandfather’s shelves.

CAROLYN You won’t mind that?

BONFIGLIOLI No. I’m a modern fellow, child friendly, don’t you know. Buggies welcome here. I shall put up a sign. Where you and I are sitting young mothers shall give suck.

CAROLYN I can’t wait to have children.

BONFIGLIOLI Bravo. So many women these days would rather work -

CAROLYN God’s will be done, as far as I’m concerned -

BONFIGLIOLI -though why anyone would rather work defeats me.

CAROLYN You must get this seen to.

BONFIGLIOLI What did you say?

CAROLYN I think you’ll need stitches.

BONFIGLIOLI Before that, something about God.

CAROLYN Oh. God’s will be done.

BONFIGLIOLI Is that what you think?

CAROLYN Yes.

BONFIGLIOLI Carte blance, eh? You people are so confident these days.

CAROLYN I suppose we are. We’ve got God’s promises.

BONFIGLIOLI Have you?

CAROLYN In the Bible.

BONFIGLIOLI Oh. I thought there had been some new communication.

CAROLYN Oh well, there is. I mean, he does.

BONFIGLIOLI What?

CAROLYN Communicate with me, every day.

BONFIGLIOLI How does he do that, pray? Divine fax?

CAROLYN No, he -

BONFIGLIOLI - picture postcards, I fancy. The heavenly city surrounded by five star hotels. Or, wish you were here, with a picture of the devils forking the poor souls who didn’t make it into the flames. It’s all a lot of hogwash if you ask me.

CAROLYN Jesus speaks to me.

BONFIGLIOLI Well that’s jolly nice for you. But he’s so busy chatting away to his flock that he forgets to say to Joe Bloggs on his bicycle, you’re about to get run over by a truck. Wham!

CAROLYN Is it the problem of suffering that bothers you?

BONFIGLIOLI Bothers me? Doesn’t it bother you, just a tot?

CAROLYN Well, yes, but -

BONFIGLIOLI Aren’t you a trifle put out, I mean, isn’t your joy, joy, joy offset a fraction when a plane load of nice people is blown out of the sky and bits of fair folk come raining down with their suitcases? God could have tipped the pilot off, could’t he?