Lawyer Jokes!

What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.

What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

What is the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because deep down, they are all nice guys!

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.

What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.

Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.

What is the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!

What is the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.

What do you call an honest lawyer?
An impossibility.

What is the difference between pigs and lawyers.
You can learn to respect a pig.

Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach?
Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand.

What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.

Why are lawyers great in bed?
They get so much practice screwing people.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Why to lawyers wear neckties?
To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.

What's eighteen inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
The tie around a lawyer's neck.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got to pick first.

How do you know if a lawyer is well hung?
You can't fit a finger between the rope and his neck.

Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

How many Lawyer’s does it take to change a lightbulb
Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party ofthe second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn.

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning, the man presented her with $25. 00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating: "If you don't give me the other $25.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $25.00, one-half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgement be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defence, therefore, was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honour," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labour performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgement not be granted." The young lady's lawyer answered thusly: "Your honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgement be granted."
And it was. She won the case...

Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly drops dead one day. His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz, Sam's best friend since childhood, is to be executor of the will. The day comes to divide Sam's earthly possessions, over a million dollars' worth. In front of Sam's family, Stu reads the will:
"Stu, if you're reading this, then I must be dead. You've were such a good friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other hand, there are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know you can make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself." Stu then looks at the survivors and tells them that, in accordance with Sam's instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand dollars to Sam's widow. The rest he is retaining for himself.
The family is beside itself. "This is impossible! Forty years of marriage and then *this*?! It can't be!" So the family sues. Their day in court arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his verdict: "To Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested money. The remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased." Needless to say, the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound. "Your honor, how can you do this? The will made Sam's wishes quite clear: 'Give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself!' I wanted the lion's share! What gives?"
The judge answered back, "Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his whole life. He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his family taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread his instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are, so with his family's interest in mind, he didn't say, "give what you want to her and keep the rest for yourself.' No. What Sam said was, "Give what YOU want to HER; and keep the rest for yourself."

In a courtroom, a purse snatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened. She says, "Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere." At which point, the defendant bursts out, "You couldn't see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!"

A witness was called to stand to testify about a head-on automobile collision. "Whose fault was this accident?" the lawyer asked. "As near as I could tell," replied the witness, "they hit each other at about the same time."

Defence counsel: The truth of the matter is that you are not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

The defence attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff. "You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
"Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but not much good in a fight."

In June 1994 in London, lawyers for convicted murderer Stephen Young filed an appeal after learning from one juror that three other jurors had conducted a Ouija board seance during jury deliberations and "contacted" the dead man, who named Young as the killer.

It happened at a rape trial in Snaresbrook (U.K.) county court on an unusually warm and sultry day. One of the jurors fell asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecuting counsel.
"Would you," he asked, "tell the court precisely what the defendant said to you before the attack?"
"No, she would not." she said. "It was far too crude and shocking."
"Would you be prepared to write it down?"
And she did, with every sign of distaste (it was, broadly speaking, a promise that nothing in the history of sexual congress compared with what the rapist planned to do to his victim), and the paper was passed to the judge, learned counsel, the clerk of the court, and the jury.
In the second row, our hero slumbered on until he was suddenly woken by a sharp nudge from the smiling brunette next to him. She passed the note to him. He read the message thereon, gazed in wonder at his neighbour, read it again, winked at the woman, and slipped the note in his pocket.
When the judge demanded the note back, the juror refused. It was, he said, a private matter.

The Lord Giveth, Advocates Taketh Away

Associated Press - When William H. Irvin III received a government check for $836,939.19 in June, 1992, he considered it a gift from God since he had recently prayed for self-sufficiency. A federal court jury in Kansas City, Mo., was unmoved: it was a computer error, they said, not God, which boosted his $183.69 check to the higher amount. Convicted of knowingly spending government money, filing a false tax return and money laundering, he faces 43 years in prison and a $1.25 million fine.

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

Judge: Why did you kick Mr. Smith in the crotch?
Defendant: How was I supposed to know he was going to suddenly turn around?

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defence attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.
Attorney: At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?
Farmer: That's right.
Attorney: Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?
Farmer: When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.

Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Okay? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning, he was dead?

Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.

Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch, and she did!

Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.

Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.

Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.

Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, and you didn't scream?
A: No ma'am.
Q: Does that mean you consented?
A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.

According to Department of Justice figures, 30,000 inmate lawsuits were filed last year (added to heavy backlogs, more than 28,000 inmate lawsuits in New York alone) against prison officials for "civil rights" violations, the vast majority described by judges and court officials as frivolous.
Among the lawsuits were those prisoners complaining that the prison canteen supplied "creamy" peanut butter when a prisoner bought "crunchy", that guards wouldn't refrigerate his ice cream snack so that he could eat it later ($1million lawsuit), that his toilet seat was too cold, that, as an inmate-paralegal in the prison law library, he should make the same wage that lawyers make, that prisons should offer salad bars ($129 million), that a limit on the number of Kool-Aid refills is "cruel and unusual punishment", and that the scrambled eggs were cooked too hard.
In New York, 20 percent of the entire budget of the Attorney General's office is spent on prisoner lawsuits. budget

Amil Dinsio, 58, filed a $15 million lawsuit in May of 1994 against the United Carolina Bank in Charlotte, N.C. from his federal prison in Loretto, Pa., where he is serving four years for robbing the bank in 1992. Sentencing guidelines call for consideration of the amount of money involved in the robbery, and Dinsio accused the bank of fraudulently inflating the amount, resulting in his spending an extra 16 months in prison.

Here are a few lines spoken by people in county court during the last year:

The stolen car fairy? - judge to a lawyer who said his client didn't know how a number of stolen cars had ended up on his property.

Fortunately for you sir, there's not a section for gross dumbness in the Criminal Code. - judge to a man who reluctantly obeyed police orders to leave an area, yelling "sieg heil" and goose-stepping away.

He is a consumer of judicial services. - judge explaining the politically correct way to refer to a criminal.

So how old is your twin brother? - judge to a man who had stolen a car with his twin brother, and who had just identified himself as being 18 years old.

A British court threw out a paternity suit against Boy George. The magistrate found the case a little odd...not to mention the defendant.

In May 1994, the Michigan Court of Appeals affirmed a lower court decision dismissing Richard Overton's $10,000 1991 lawsuit against Anheuser-Busch for false advertising. In the lawsuit, Overton had said he suffered physical and mental injury and emotional distress because the implicit promises in the company's advertisements, especially of success with women, did not materialize for him when he drank its product. Besides that, Overton contended, he sometimes got sick when he drank.

Ex-student Jason Wilkins sued the University of Idaho in July of 1994 for $940,000 to pay for injuries he suffered when he fell through a third story window while mooning students. Wilkins had climbed onto a three-foot-high heater to reach the window but claimed the university should have posted warnings.

Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, in a few short weeks, it will be spring. The snows of winter will flow away, the ice will vanish, the air will become soft and balmy. In short, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, the annual miracle of the years will awaken and come to pass. But you won't be there.
The rivulet will run its soaring course to the sea. The timid desert flowers will put forth their tender shoots. The glorious valleys of this imperial domain will blossom as the rose. Still, you will not be here to see.
From every treetop, some wild woods songster will carol his mating song. Butterflies will sport in the sunshine. The gentle breeze will tease the tassels of the wild grasses, and all nature, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, will be glad.
But you will not be here to enjoy it.
Because I command the sheriff of the county to lead you away to some remote spot, swing you by the neck from a knotting bough of some sturdy oak, and let you hang until dead. And the, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, I further command that such officer retire quickly from your dangling corpse, that vultures may descend from the heavens upon your filthy body until nothing shall remain but bare, bleached bones of a coldblooded, bloodthirsty, throat-cutting, murdering S.O.B."

Evidence produced at the Camden, New Jersey, kidnapping trial of James A. Howard, 39, revealed that he had done substantial library research on the crime, calculating the average prison sentence to be seven years and fixing at $500,000 the amount that would justify his risk in taking the teenage son of an Atlantic City businessman.

In an October 1994 trial in Corpus Christi, Texas, involving alleged indecent activities by one man toward another in a men's room toilet stall, both the prosecutor and defense attorney brought into the courtroom full-size models of that particular stall in order to demonstrate what did or did not take place.

In Detroit, the lawyer for accused murderer Rondelle Woods, 23, delivered part of his closing argument to the jury in rap: 'Went to a party, sweet 16, decided to stay on the scene.' Woods was acquitted.
But in Las Vegas in December, Eric Clark, 22, pleaded with the judge, in rap for a light sentence: 'I'm sellin' dope, and I as gettin' paid too blind to see how I was gettin' played.' He got 23 years.

Top Ten Least Convincing Alibis
10. I was out drinking beer and picking up babes with Richard Simmons.
9. Busy trying to get Connie Chung pregnant.
8. Home watching CBS primetime.
7. Playing ping pong with Carol Channing. (videotape of Dave and Carol playing ping pong)
6. Out buying hams for the audience!
5. Was attending a PBS fundraiser with Newt Gingrich.
4. Spent entire weekend trying to suck myself into a Pepsi bottle.
3. Hypnotized by the sound of Casey Kasem's voice.
2. Alone in my room doing some of that Joycelyn Elders stuff.
1. I'm Batman!

In December 1994, a jury in Ellsworth, Wis., deliberated for three hours before ruling against Stewart Blair in his lawsuit against his friend Maurice Poulin for injuries incurred when Blair tripped over a snowplow blade. Blair claimed that Poulin caused the fall when he startled Blair by accidentally passing gas in his face. In a postscript to the trial, as the jurors ceremonially exited the courtroom, the foreman accidentally, audibly passed gas as he walked by the judge.

A woman sued a man because he swore at her in traffic. He offered to meet her and apologize, but she refused and filed suit for $5,000. She won $2,500 at the trial court level, but the decision was reversed on appeal because she failed to prove her distress was more than what a reasonable person could endure.

A man in Fort Worth filed a lawsuit against Elvis Presley Enterprises, contending that the King faked his death and ran off to live a normal life. He says he knows for certain that Elvis is alive because he has had frequent telephone calls from him.

A South Texas man borrowed his neighbor's lawn mower. While mowing his own yard, he fell and pulled the lawn mower over his own foot. He sued his neighbor for $235,000. The jury awarded him nothing.

An inmate sued the county jail because he claimed there was an abundance of feathers near his cell and he was allergic to feathers, which caused his asthma to act up. The assistant district attorney commented, "A jailbird should never be complaining about feathers." The inmate then sued the newspaper that reported the comment, claiming the guards made fun of him after they read it.

In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.

It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.

It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.

In one of those "true facts" books there was an explanation for this law. It seems that one of the state senators did not want a law passed. To keep this particular law from passing, he attached the train law to it. He hoped that his fellow senators would discover the train law attached, see how ridiculous it was, and not pass the laws. Nobody saw the the train law attached and passed both laws. This may not be the real reason, but it sounds good. And it might explain some of the laws we have to live with.

It is against the law to fish from horseback in Utah.

Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.

In Denver, it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next door neighbour.

In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.

Years ago, I read that habeas corpus (the principle that a person cannot be held in jail without a warrant) originally passed in the English parliament when the person counting the votes jokingly counted a fat legislator as ten votes. According to the article, the bill would not have passed otherwise. (If anyone has a solid reference for this story, email it to me.

No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas.

In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view."

Have you ever had the urge to rip the tag from a pillow or mattress, despite the warning of dire penalties?Well, it's perfectly legal now, if you live in Colorado. Governor Roy Romer formalized the law by gleefully tearing a label from a pillow at his office. "I've been worrying about the mattress inspector jumping through the window for years," he said.

San Francisco is said to be the only city in the nation to have ordinances guaranteeing sunshine to the masses.

I understand that in Germany, there is a law that every office must have a view of the sky, however small. So the office buildings are all long and skinny.

Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through any of its streets.

The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.

It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.

In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile.

In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer.

In Calgary, there is a by-law that is still on the books that requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tieing up horses.

In England, it is illegal to sell most goods on a Sunday, (this law is mostly ignored), it is however legal to sell a carrot. It is also legal to sell it at any price and to give free gifts with it, such as anything else one might want to buy on a Sunday!

In Bexley, Ohio, Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.

It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

In Cupertino, California, it is illegal to count backwards audibly in hexadecimal.

In Israel, there's no legal way for a man named Cohen to marry a divorced woman.

In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted."

In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.

In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.

In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.

In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or other theatre and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating garlic.

In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket.

In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.

In Harford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.

In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.

In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.

In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public.

In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap.

In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club"

An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."

Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.

It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of Urbana, Illinois.

Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie.

The good burghers of Redwood City have outlawed the frying of gravy.

In Santa Clara, it is forbidden to dedicate parking spaces to the patron saint of television.

Prostitutes in San Francisco are not obliged to make change for bills larger than $50.

The city of Mountain View proscribes calling pet fish by "names of aggressive content, e.g. 'Biter', 'Killer', 'Sugar-Ray'"

Bicycles may not be ridden without "appropriate fashion accessories" anywhere in Santa Clara County (de facto law).

It is illegal to skateboard on walls "or other vertical surfaces" in Palo Alto.

Wearing a sweatshirt inside-out is deemed a "threatening misdemeanor" in Half-Moon Bay.

Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to wear tail lights.

New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.

In 1930, the City Council of Ontario (California) passed an ordinance forbidding roosters to crow within the city limits.

Harthahorne (Oklahoma) City Ordinance, Section 363, states that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window.

The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.

In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.

In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks when a concert is on.

A D.C. federal judge has ruled that begging is a form of free speech protected by the Constitution. That means that mugging is free speech too, only more persuasive.

Manfred deLisle, a London patent attorney, is offering to file patent claims for the complete genome of any individual who wishes to "preserve his or her commercial options." Several hundred people have signed up for deLisle's services. However, it is anticipated that patent officials will impose extensive documentation demands that will render the scheme impractical.

Another London attorney, A. C. Pomeroy, is working with representatives of several major religions to file patent claims for the genetic substance deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA), "on behalf of an unspecified deity." Pomeroy's clients will claim that (a) DNA is a patentable invention and (b) the inventor is unable to file a claim personally and so must have his rights protected by a consortium of interested parties. The parties reportedly have agreed to share any royalties that accrue from the patent, on an equal basis.

The state of Massachusetts is drafting regulations prohibiting large-scale bakers to allow the odour of bread to be released into the atmosphere because it contains ethanol, which can break down into ozone, a component of smog. "If people have such a visceral response to this smell, they can bake their own bread," said the engineer at the state Department of Environmental Protection who drafted the regulation.

The New York City Transit Authority has ruled that women can ride the city subways topless. New York law dictates that if a man can be somewhere without a shirt, a woman gets the same right. The decision came after arrests of women testing the ordinance on the subways. A transit police spokesman said they would comply with the new rule, but "if they were violating any other rules, like sitting on a subway bench topless smoking a cigarette, then we would take action." Smoking is not allowed in the subways.

It seems that we have laws for everything but the stuff that can really get on our nerves. For instance, "there oughta be a law" to protect citizens from the airline passenger who maintains his seat in a fully reclined position while an in-flight meal is being served. So I propose that we start passing some much- needed legislation to crack down on the following offences:

Resisting A Rest: Repeatedly disrupting an entire row of patrons at a theatre or sports event by heading for refreshments, frequent rest-room visits, and leg-stretching.

Euphonious Assault: Playing the car radio at ear-splitting volume so the next driver is blasted into the back seat.

Lane Sharking: Parking over two spaces in a crowded lot so that the adjacent space is rendered useless.

Coffee-right Infringement: Hurry-up restaurant employees who are too quick to bring your bill at the end of a meal.

Violation Of Individual Swivel Rights: Rotating a circular merchandise rack while another shopper is browsing on the other side.

Breaking And Exiting: Slipping away after dropping a bottle of pancake syrup while in an empty grocery-store aisle.

Sorry I Missed Him'meanor: Intentionally returning unwanted phone calls when you know the party who called will be out.

Kidyapping: Failure to get off the subject of your children.

Poly-gamey: Attempting to watch two televised football games and a tennis tournament simultaneously on a Sunday afternoon by means of rapid-fire, remote-control channel surfing.

Labour Fraud: Politicians who roll up their sleeves only when posing for campaign photographs.

This list of lawyer jokes cannot be sent due to a court order given at the request of some lawyers. That order has been appealed by some other lawyers. Pending the appeal (and possible further appeals up to the Supreme Court), the list will be unavailable to the general public. If you are unhappy with this situation, see your lawyer, who will be happy to handle it for you for a suitable fee.

Lawyers are people who can write a 10,000-word document and call it a brief.

The problem with lawyer jokes is that most lawyers don't think they are funny, and most people don't understand that they're just jokes!

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked, "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies, "Four!"
The accountant says, "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day, she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time.)
"Hot Dang," the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!"
They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff all his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out, "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies, "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first non-damned lawyer to make it up here!!"

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"
The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

At the funeral of a lady was her doctor, a friend and her lawyer. Each had promised her that at her funeral they would toss $1000 into her grave. The doctor and friend each tossed in their $1000 cash, after which the lawyer removed the cash and placed a check for $3000.

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favour of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money, there has been only one answer to that question."

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day, Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honour," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"
"Well, your honour," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

Definition of a lawyer: a man who helps you get what's coming to him.

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?" someone asked. "Not too bad," said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."

More information on Diogenes: Diogenes may well have been looking for an honest man in his wanderings, but the reason he was wandering in the first place is that he had been ostracized for counterfeiting.

Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night. He entered the local general store to get some warmth and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.
Dow told the men who he was and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno. When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here: all of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says, "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are." Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground." So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, could you tell us where we are?" And the man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air."
George turns to Harry and says, "That man must be a lawyer."
And Harry says, "How can you tell?"
George says, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless."
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".

Lawyers are the only profession where the more there are, the more are needed!

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

When asked, "What is a contigent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing."

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put "here lies an honest lawyer." "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's strange!"

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "Can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

Proctologist: A brain surgeon for lawyers.

It has been discovered that lawyers are the larval stage of politicians.

There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.

No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.

A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.

There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.

I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so let's discuss his absence of character! - Michael Lara

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.' - ibid

Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.

The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. Third, lawyers multiply faster in numbers. Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to their torture. And fifth, there are some things even a rat won't do. There is a drawback however; sometimes it's very hard to extrapolate the test results to human beings"

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display, he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." With the transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge, a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of $1000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the bank's secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady. The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a large amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No." she answered. "Was it from playing the stock market?" "No." she replied. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old lady could possibly come into $3 million. "I bet." she stated. "You bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?" "No." she replied, "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be square." The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference; he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day; how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing. At 10:00 o'clock sharp, the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I am the same as I've always been only $25,000.00 richer." The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What' wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning that I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country, rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears, a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in *that* one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, levelled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would _you_ believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $250 due for a consultation.

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a cow in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.
Two minutes later, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...

The Lawyer's Motto:
"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."
In Other Words:
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer go out hunting in the woods one day. Each of them brings along his hunting dog, and they spend most of the morning arguing about which of the dogs is the smartest. Early in the afternoon, they discover a clearing in the forest. In the middle of the clearing is a large pile of animal bones. Seeing the bones, the doctor turns to the others and says, "I'm going to prove to you two that my dog is the smartest. Watch this!" He then calls his dog over and says, "Bones! See the bones? Go get 'em!" The dog rushes over to the pile, rummages around for a bit, and then proceeds to build a replica of the human skeleton, perfect down to the last detail. The doctor grins smugly; after all, his dog has just build a *human* skeleton from *animal* bones. The engineer, however, is totally unimpressed. "That's nothing," he says. "Watch this." He calls his dog over, and points out the pile. "Bones! Get the bones!" The dog rushes over, tears down the skeleton, and in its place builds a perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower. It even has a little French flag waving at the top. The doctor is forced to agree that the engineer's dog is, in fact, smarter than his own. The lawyer, however, is still not impressed. "My dog is smarter," he says. "Watch." He then calls his dog over, points to the pile, and says simply "Bones." The dog rushes over to the pile, tears down the tower, eats half the bones, buries the other half, screws the other two dogs, and takes the rest of the afternoon off.

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Spenser there?" asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Can anyone else help you?" The man said no and hung up.
Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his ex-wife's lawyer.
The receptionist said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr. Spenser has died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up. Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The receptionist was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he's dead? Don't you understand what I'm saying?"
The man replied, "I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing you say it over and over."

Two lawyers made a date to have lunch together. The first person showed up on time, but the second person didn't show until 1-1/2 hours after they were supposed to meet...
1st lawyer: "How come you're so late?"
2nd lawyer: "Oh, I ran over a milk bottle and got a flat tire.."
1st lawyer: "A milk bottle? Didn't you see it in the road?"
2nd lawyer: "No, the kid had it under his coat..."

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